Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong
by Kourin Lucrece
Summary: Rent: during and after Goodbye Love [switches povs] bad summary...
1. Mimi

Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...  
  
By Ri Kourin  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the musical rent. I merely have been really into it lately, and love all of the songs and characters. It's great.  
  
Author's Note: This fic is going to switch POV's. Also, it starts with the argument between Mark and Roger in Goodbye Love. ^.^ Enjoy!  
  
~*~* Mimi *~*~  
  
I was going back. I don't know why, except I couldn't leave things like that with him. I loved him, you know? Although, I must admit, what I over heard surprised me.  
  
Walking back, I heard Mark offer weakly, "I hear there are great restaurants out west." I've never really liked Mark. He's always had a lot of sway over Roger, and everyone seems to think he's a nice guy.  
  
"Some of the best..." Roger responded, before asking, "How could she?"  
  
I stepped back into the shadows to listen, and I could see both of their faces. "How could you let her go?" Wait a minute; Mark was sticking up for me?  
  
"You just don't know," Roger said, turning away. His look quite clearly asked how Mark could know. "How could we lose Angel?"  
  
Mark bowed his head as well, then looked back up at Roger, his look pleading. "Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain. At least know, if you try, Angel's death won't be in vain."  
  
"His death is in vain!" He shouted back. I couldn't believe Roger had said that. Sure, he could be stubborn and jealous, but he seemed to understand most things... Angel tried to teach us all that there was something else. Right? Mark just stare at him in something akin to a mix of horror and sorrow.  
  
"Are you insane? There's so much to care about. There's me- there's Mimi." I started at the sound of Mark bringing me up again. Did he really care?  
  
"Mimi's got her baggage too." Roger growled at his friend and sometimes roommate. I know I do, but I had hoped he would accept me, baggage and all.  
  
"So do you!" Mark shot back and I knew he was right about that as well. Roger just never admits to his problems. It startled me as I saw Roger shove Mark and I winced as I heard his back connect solidly with the phone booth. I had never seen Roger act violent before. Sure he yelled, but this was kind of scary...  
  
"Who are you to tell me what I know, what to do?" Roger asked him. I had asked myself the same question about Mark before. Why was he always giving Roger advice? Roger could deal. Roger was a strong adult and Mark didn't always seem that way.  
  
"A friend," Mark tried to insist before Rog cut him off again.  
  
"But who, Mark, are you?" Roger shouted. His voice turned taunting. "'Mark had got his work.' They say 'Mark likes for his work,' and 'Mark's in love with his work.'" He glared at the filmmaker, shoving him hard again as the smaller blonde attempted to walk away. "Mark hides in his work."  
  
I was surprised, then glad. Roger should stick up to Mark. Tell him to put away that god-damned camera and try living his own life instead of Roger's. But I still heard Mark ask, "From what?"  
  
"From facing your failure, facing your loneliness, facing the fact you live a lie." I had never realized how mean Roger could be. He lost his temper, a lot actually, but not usually like that. I mean, he would stick up for Mark most of the time. Sure, I heard him yelling at his roommate all the time, but I never thought...  
  
As Mark's face crumpled, I realized I'd had him pegged wrong too. He looked so lost and lonely. He looked like the little kid who is abused, but believes someone cares. And as though he'd just realized he was wrong.  
  
The filmmaker turned away to hide the tears I saw streaming down his face and sat lightly on the stone wall. I guess even Mark has his breaking points, and with losing his best friend at the funeral of another, seeing his family die and then having his defenses shattered was it. It tore my heart, to tell the truth, but not as much as the thought of Roger leaving.  
  
But Roger kept going. "Yes you live a lie! Tell you why: You're always preaching not to be numb, when that's how you thrive. You pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive."  
  
Each accusation seemed to physically hurt Mark, each time he flinched. I had never seen Roger this angry. Did he really care enough that my 'being with' Benny caused him to react this way. To take it out on Mark in this manner? For some reason, that thought almost made me feel better. But dammit, Angel was dead and I was dying! How could he be leaving?!  
  
"Maybe that's because I'm the one of us to survive!" Mark told him bitterly.  
  
"Poor baby!" Roger snarled back.  
  
"Mimi still loves Roger." Mark started in a sing-song voice I've heard him use while he has his camera on. I hadn't realized Mark had noticed that I did... But he was right; I was head-over-heels for the guy. "Is Roger really jealous or afraid that Mimi's weak?"  
  
"Mimi did look pale..." Roger whispered. Did I? I hadn't realized...  
  
"Mimi's gotten thin; Mimi's running out of time." I was, I knew that. But having Mark tell Roger hurt. Roger was supposed to have noticed. Roger was supposed to be helping me! Mark had turned back to face my musician and he frowned. "Roger's running out the door!"  
  
I felt tears fill my eyes. That was true. Roger didn't want to see me die and feel guilt or sadness. He always wanted things to be easy. "No more!" Roger shouted. "Oh no!" The, softer, "I gotta go." He turned to leave and I wanted to stop him. What Mark said next did that pretty well, though.  
  
"For someone who's always been let down, who's running out of town?" I had never seen Mark angry. He was always the calm one who listened to the problems we brought to him with a smile, a hug and some advice. He always calmed Roger down and sent him back to my apartment. I had never realized that he actually cared what happened. I suppose I should have. Everyone told me that he had taken care of Roger when Roger couldn't do it himself. They told me how he had tried to save April, how he had helped Collins and Benny and Maureen. I wonder if anyone ever helped Mark...  
  
Roger turned back, eyes cold. "For some one who longs for a community of his own, who's with his camera? Alone." I watched as Mark looked away, anger gone. He looked defeated, as if he couldn't fight our problems anymore. Roger's eyes filled with tears as he turned to go. "I'll call... I hate the fall."  
  
When he saw me, he stopped and his eyes were slightly shocked and sad. "You heard?"  
  
It took all of my strength to choke out: "Every word."  
  
~*~*~*~*~  
  
That chapter sucked. Maybe because Mimi isn't actually in the conversation? Oh yeah, this probably isn't a good fic to read if you like Roger. I think the actor has a great voice and acting ability, but the character is not my favorite. I think he can be a real jerk to his friends...  
  
Reviews don't pay the rent, but they help my creativity! 


	2. Roger

Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...  
  
By Kourin Lucrece  
  
Disclaimer: Still do not own, but the late, great Jonathan Larson had a fantastic imagination!  
  
Author's Note: This is a short chapter, sorry. Also, Roger's dirty little mouth made the rating go up! ^.~  
  
~*~ Roger ~*~  
  
"Every word."  
  
I closed my eyes rather than look into her pain filled eyes. Part of me screamed. How the hell can she come off as the victim? She fucking went back to Benny, for crissake!! Does that mean absolutely nothing?  
  
The rest of me was filled with remorse and sorrow. I don't want to lose her, but a bit too late for that, don't you think? I screwed this up royally. Again.  
  
"You don't want baggage with out lifetime guarantees; you don't want to watch me die," Mimi said softly. How true, how true... But while it had been annoying for Mark to point it out, from my sweet love it was heart breaking. I don't know why I've always wanted the easy way out. I felt like shit.  
  
"I just came to say, goodbye Love," she whispered, and my anger resurfaced. How can she pull that crap? She left me! I'm just returning the favor! And yet... God, I love her and I know that, but what can I do? I mean, this was one fucking great act she was putting on, but maybe... But if you're acting, can you put that much sorrow into your gaze, that much pain?  
  
Even though I was about to protest, I could feel Mark's gaze drilling into my back and I just listened to what Mimi had to say. I felt bad for what I said to him, and pushing him like that, but what is his problem? It's my life, my choices and he can't shove my problems into my face without getting it back, dammit!  
  
Mimi seemed at a loss for words, merely looking deep into my eyes as she murmured a final time, "Goodbye, love." Then she turned away, her small form shaking with the tears I had seen in her eyes the whole funeral. Jesus, I am an ass for leaving when I did...  
  
Without even thinking about it, I sang softly, "One blaze of glory... I have to find..." But is it worth it? Is my one blaze of glory before I'm gone worth everything I'm destroying on the path?  
  
Without another word, I turned and I bolted to my 'new' car and wished for my guitar. The only thing I could see was Mimi's large tear filled brown eyes imploring me not to leave her to die as she wished me goodbye. God, what am I doing?  
  
But I can't do this! Maybe Mark is right and I run from my problems, but I can't fucking do this! Mimi's with Benny and she's dying, Angel is gone, April's gone... It's only a matter of time before AIDS takes Collins and I as well.  
  
Besides, Mark is a great one to talk! He's so fucking blind to anything that doesn't show in his camera that he doesn't get what's going on all around him. Part of me wickedly hinted that maybe he sees everything too well and it merits his detachment, but I don't care. He had no right to say any of that! He's wrong! He's wrong, he's wrong, he's wrong! At least, I hope he is. Although, part of me wishes I hadn't said the things I did, that I hadn't pushed him. But I tried to convince myself I was right. I mean, wasn't I?  
  
I shifted the car into gear and drove off before my conscience could persuade me to stay. I focused on all of the anger and frustrations I had with my friends, my life, God, and tried to ignore the eyes that tore at my soul.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
I added to it and fixed some problems with which tense he's talking in. Roger is definitely hard to write and I apologize for making him out so mean... Reviews make you my new best friend. ^.^ 


	3. Benny

Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...  
  
By Kourin Lucrece  
  
Disclaimer: is it really necessary at this point?  
  
Author's Note: I actually don't mind Benny too much. I think his heart is in the right place most of the time. ^.^ Mark's next! (then maybe Collins?) Anyway, thanks to the people (person) who review! I would give better thanks, but e-mail & reviews are down...  
  
~~* Benny *~~  
  
I came back to find Roger running (again) and Mimi in tears. That asshole! What did he say to her? It's bad enough that everyone lost Angel, but 'poor little Roger' had to prove that he's hurting worse that anyone else. He doesn't even get what's going on.  
  
Yeah, I love Mimi, but she's like a sister to me. Sure, I loved her romantically once. But we broke up and I fell in love with Allison, Mimi with Roger. We stayed frineds though. Not to mention, she's sick and someone has to help her. He's obviously not going to. I reached out to hug the girl, comfort her and end those tears, but she jerked violently away.  
  
"Please don't touch me," she choked out and I listened. She deserves the courtesy. But her eyes were just so sad and she looked so fragile. "Please, understand," Mimi begged and I wish I could. I wish I knew why all of this was happening. "I'm scared."  
  
Oh God. That poor kid. That's all I could think, that poor kid. She's so young, and she's already had to put up with so much in her life. All of us have. And much as I hate to admit it, I'm scared too. She's so thin and pale. God, what if she doesn't get better?  
  
Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Mark coming over as well. That was good, at least Mimi might listen to Mark on occasion, he's sensible. I realized that he was limping slightly and it just added to my growing dislike of Roger. Why does he beat up on Mark? That kid has enough problems!  
  
"I need to go away," Mimi said softly, as she looked down at the track marks beneath her sleeves. For a minute I didn't understand, but then it hit me and I almost couldn't believe my ears. She was actually going to quit? Thank God...  
  
It didn't look like Mark would believe it either, but he quickly offered, "I know a place. A clinic..." He appeared to be looking for the right word, one that might not be frightening and I knew what he meant. That might just be the trick.  
  
"A rehab?" I offered. He nodded and Mimi looked at both of us gratefully. She understood she needed help, at least she was going for it. I hoped that it wouldn't be too bad. She just seemed so frail and sad...  
  
"Maybe..." Those sad eyes shifted to catch my gaze timidly. "Could you...?"  
  
How could she even have thought she needed to ask? "I'll pay," I assured her softly. She deserved so much better than this. She deserved more than drugs and HIV and stripping and poverty... But then, who ever deserves to live that way?  
  
Her gaze had shifted in the direction Roger had run off to. Poor kid was in love with the worst possible person. Speaking almost to herself, Mimi whispered, "Goodbye love, goodbye..." Here her voice grew even softer. "Hello, disease," she said quietly to herself.  
  
Then, she turned to look at me and Mark one more time, clearly panicked. "I... I can't do this!" And then she was gone as well, running from all of it. How did we get here?  
  
At this point, Collins was thrown from the church by the minister, who was quite angry. "Off the premises, Queer," the man growled.  
  
Weren't ministers supposed to be holy?! Before I could respond, Collins shot back, "What a way to send a boy to meet his maker!" He looked angrily towards Mark and I, but I could see the overwhelming sorrow in his eyes. "They had to know we couldn't pay the undertaker!"  
  
I stepped forward, unsure of what to do. I so badly wished that none of this had happened. I wished that it was still the 5 of us living happily in the loft before everything. But I wish I could make it right. The only thing I could offer was: "Don't you worry about it. I'll take care of the bill."  
  
Mark looked up. "Must be nice to have money."  
  
"No shit," Collins told him.  
  
After everything was settled, I couldn't help but notice how lost Collins looked. The poor guy probably wasn't sure what to do with himself at this point. He'd taken a break from focusing on his ways as an anarchist philosopher to take care of Angel and bask in being in love. How do you just pick up where you were after losing that?  
  
Collins turned to me with a slight smile. "I think you should know that you just paid for the funeral of the man who killed your dog..."  
  
I couldn't help but laugh. "I know- I always hated that dog."  
  
It seemed like a good time to go off and get drunk, and who was he to disagree. We offered for Mark to join us, but he merely shook his head. So it was me and Collins off to forget our problems in a bottle.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Jeez, two short, sucky chapters. Both Roger and Benny are hard to write... Oh well! And much thanks to Tetiani and Arabella Figg for reading and reviewing! You're my new best friends!(well except for Rose-chan... lol) Next chapter up soon! And remember:  
  
Reviews make the world go round. 


	4. Mark

Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...  
  
By Kourin Lucrece  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it, though it all rocks!  
  
Author's Note: I'm ba-ack! ::frowns as people run screaming:: Now that's not very nice! Anyway, my Marky chapter is here. (joy! Mark is the best character, although Mimi and Collins come close behind... Collins is next.) As all of them do, Mark may seem a bit out of character. Read (thanks), enjoy (hopefully) and review (you better, even flames are apreciated)!  
  
-*~*~Mark~*~*-  
  
How did we get here? How the hell did all of this happen? It seems only yesterday that everyone was happy and healthy. We danced on tables, talked, laughed, loved... We had each other and our art. What went wrong? Was all of it just not enough to keep this from happening?  
  
I hope that Benny managed to cheer Collins up, poor guy. Part of me is asking the same question Roger did: how could we lose Angel? Angel was so full of life and joy, she inspired us all and loved Collins more than anyone has before. They were happy, dammit! Everyone was.  
  
I mean, sure, we had our problems. Maureen and Joanne argue all the time, but it's just that they're both so stubborn. God knows where they went after they made up at the funeral. I'm sure I don't want to. Roger and Mimi had their differences, but they were finally working through them. Collins and Angel were experiencing what they had waited their whole lives for. And me? Sure I got lonely, but it wasn't too bad. They all still talked to me and hung out. Even Benny had been by to see me a few times. Yet, within two months it all just ended.  
  
I can still remember when I heard that Angel was gone. We were sitting in the waiting room, all of us, and it had been a couple hours. Everyone had gone in and tried to cheer him up, being sure to tell him we loved him as we left. Then, Collins walked out of the room.  
  
He just looked at us all sitting there and whispered, "Angel's gone." And then he started to cry. It was the only time I've ever seen him cry.  
  
After that, everything just went so fast. Angel was gone, Benny was taking care of an ill Mimi and Roger was leaving. God, that argument at the funeral... Poor Collins, he shouldn't have had to deal with the loss of our family on top of everything else. But, damn it, how could Roger just leave her like that? Doesn't he see that she needs help, that she needs him?  
  
So here I am, wandering the streets of Manhattan, doing what Roger should be: trying to find Mimi. My lower back hurts something wicked, and I'll bet I've got one hell of a bruise forming, the cold rain isn't helping too much in that department...  
  
I'm just so fucking tired. I can't deal with this anymore! I just don't know what to do. I want things back how they used to be. When everyone was happy and sharing the loft. When no one had drugs or money or was sick or any of it. But by the same token, how could I trade in all that I've seen and done this past year?  
  
Shit, I'm confused. Maybe I should have gone drinking with Collins and Benny... But someone had to try and find Mimi. Raise your hand if you're surprised that it's me. In my mind, though, all I can see is that panicked look in her eyes as she left. I may be pissed at Roger, but Mimi still needs help. I love my friends, so I can't just let it go. I refuse to let her go without a fight. I won't lose all of them! Not yet...  
  
I pause as I reach Alphabet City and try (unsuccessfully) to wipe the moisture from my glasses. I've tried most of her usual haunts in other parts of the city, even the Cat Scratch (all places I will never go again, I assure you) and she was nowhere to be found. Where else am I supposed to look?  
  
It's then that I notice a dark clad figure, his hood pulled up over his face. I know it's a long shot but I have to try. Taking a deep breath, I walk up to the Man. For a minute, both of us are silent as he just looks at me.  
  
Eventually, he smirks. "Well, Mr. Cameraman, what can I do for you today? Finally decided to live it up a little?"  
  
I shake my head, determined not to show my trepidation. "I'm looking for Mimi," I say in a calm, firm tone. "Have you seen her?"  
  
"Maybe I have and maybe I haven't." he responds in a voice mocking my own. "I don't do favors for free, kid." He grins slightly. "Although, we may be able to come to an agreement, we are civilized people."  
  
It's then that hands grab my arms and I feel myself beginning to panic. Shit, I should have thought this through a bit more. I just wanted to find her and then go home and sleep. I should have known it was stupid to talk to him.  
  
"What do you want?" I'm trying to keep my voice steady.  
  
He laughs, a cold laugh that sends a shiver down my spine. "Not too bright, are you, kid? These men owe me money or they can't get their sickness off. And they can be quite desperate, so I hope you cooperate."  
  
The two men holding my arms slam me back against the wall and I bite my lip against the pain. How do I get myself into the situations all the time? One of them tries to take my camera, but I pull away and a fist connects with my jaw. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and my face hurts like hell. But the Man has ordered them to leave my camera be. Thank God for small fucking favors. After a bit more of a scuffle, I hand them what few crumpled bills I have in my pocket and all three chuckle a bit.  
  
"Saw her two blocks over," the Man says with a jerk of his head in the right direction. "Bought a little something for the pain. Now beat it before that shit piece of metal becomes fair game."  
  
I pull myself painfully to my feet and wipe a bit of blood from my face with the back of my hand. Then, I'm hurrying down the street, hoping there's still a chance of finding Mimi. But I already know that she's disappeared into the city that never sleeps. I only hope that the next time I do see her, it isn't the same way I last saw Angel.  
  
Comments? 


	5. Collins

Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...  
  
By Kourin Lucrece  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own, much to my chagrin. I saw it once, though!  
  
Author's Note: So, how am I doing so far? I know that the tense changed it Mark's chapter, but I did that to kind of signify the fact that I had switched into my own addition to the story. Here is Collins' chapter as he and Benny go get smashed. Next up, Mark & Roger. (kind of What You Own). Enjoy!  
  
~~*Collins*~~  
  
I'm sitting in bar with Benny staring into a beer. Who'd have ever thought? I know I should be crying or something, but at the moment there's nothing. I shed all my tears that first day and I think that crying now would be disrespectful of Angel. She'd never have wanted me to be upset...  
  
Everything really fell apart this time. Our little family might actually be beyond repair. It's no surprise that Roger ran off. He never could face his problems, but Mimi's gone also and I'll bet Mark is looking for her. So now it's me and Benny. At least he's acting himself again. I wonder where Maureen and Joanne are...  
  
I don't think it's really sunk in yet that Angel is really gone. Part of me is still expecting her to just walk in, asking my opinion on a dress or teasing me about grading papers. 'You teach?'  
  
God, I can't take this. I take another swig on my beer. Must be my fifth one, I think. And Benny's looking at me with this concerned look on his face. I wonder if he's even touched his drink.  
  
"You know, Collins, maybe you should take it easy on the drinking..." he says softly, obviously unsure of what he should say. He's been so nice today, just being there, paying for the funeral, listening and paying for me to get drunk.  
  
"I prob'ly should," I mutter in response and then sigh. "I just don't know what to do, Benny. He's gone and I don't know what to do." I can feel those traitorous tears pricking the back of my eyes, but refusing to give me comfort. Another large gulp of beer.  
  
"Do whatever it strikes you to do," Benny murmurs, putting an arm around my shoulder. "Teach, open that restaurant, write a book, promote anarchy... Anything that makes life worth it."  
  
Jesus, there is some compassion in that boy. Maybe all that money bought him some deep thoughts... I'm being an asshole, Benny's trying to help. "I just don't want to forget him," I find myself whispering.  
  
"Then don't. Remember all the happy times and know that he's waiting for you to come back for more."  
  
At that, I lean onto Benny's shoulder and close my eyes. He's right and for some reason just hearing it helps. The tears that have eluded me all day finally slip down my cheeks and help me find solace as my old friend whispers condolences into my ears. But I feel better now.  
  
Angel, if you're really up there, wait for me. I love you.  
  
~~~~ Very out of character, I know (it's really short too), but you're going to be when you lose someone like that. Besides, I think it's kinda sweet... Reminder:  
  
Author is a review-junkie! 


	6. Mimi

Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...  
  
By Kourin Lucrece  
  
Disclaimer: If you sue me, all you'll get is a cd of Thoroughly Modern Millie and some books.  
  
Author's Note: Okay, I lied. This is another Mimi chapter! (Then I guess I'll start repeating the pattern...) This takes place just after Mark's chapter, okay? Enjoy!  
  
~*~*Mimi*~*~  
  
What am I doing? Why did I run away like that? All I know is that I don't know anything. I don't know where my life is going, why Roger left, how Angel could be gone... I don't know any of it.  
  
I know I said I'd quit, that I needed help, but I can't do it. The pain is too much and if I don't find a way to numb this fear I'll suffocate. I'm already feeling the hints of withdrawal and my last hit was only about 2 and a half-hours ago. But I'm sweating and shaking, so I'm off to find the Man.  
  
It's about two blocks from where I've been huddled in the shadows to the corner where I know my dealer to be at this hour. Surprisingly, it takes about twenty minutes for me to walk there in this cold. Usually it takes a lot less than that, but I'm not feeling well... Shit, did I take my AZT today?  
  
But I'm here now, staring into the face of the Man, as he grins at me. "Back so soon, gorgeous?" he asks with a low chuckle. "Someone was looking for you earlier."  
  
That surprises me. "Who?" Do I really care? Just give me the damn powder!  
  
"The cameraman," he replies, pulling a small packet out of his pocket and dangling it in front of my face. But it doesn't seem to matter all of a sudden. Mark was looking for me? Why? He shouldn't care! Roger should care... Oh God, he asked here, though? I hope he's okay...  
  
The Man smirks at the expression on my face. "Don't worry, Cutie-pie. We didn't send him off in too bad condition." A fresh bout of shaking wipes Mark from my mind. He can take care of himself. All that matters is the little bag of powder I hold in my hand.  
  
Blindly, I shove a few crumpled bills at my dealer and run off. If they're looking for me, they won't find me. In the safety of a dark alley, the cool tip of the needle enters my arm and pure bliss clears away the pain and fear and loneliness.  
  
I know I can't go back to my apartment now, but I don't care. I'm free and numb. They say money can't buy happiness? Well I know where to buy the next best thing.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Tell me what you think!! (I know it's short, but she's kind of screwed up in this chapter...) Anyway: Marky's Gurl, thank your for reviewing!! I'll keep writing for a while yet, unless people get sick of it. Bye!! 


	7. Roger

Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...  
  
By Kourin Lucrece  
  
Disclaimer: Look, if I owned it, would I be an author of fanfics?  
  
Author's Note: More of my little fic! This chapter is Roger, the next will be Mark. They are both dealing with "What You Own". After that, who knows? Read on...  
  
~*~Roger~*~  
  
On the road again, just can't fucking wait to get on the road again... Yeah, right. What the hell am I doing? I don't even know what state I'm in at this point, but thank God it's warmer than New York.  
  
It'll probably take me about a week to get to Santa Fe, I figure. Assuming that Santa Fe is where I want to be. God these past twelve hours have sucked. The funeral, the argument, Mimi... All of it is just playing over and over in my head. Fuck.  
  
The whole drive so far I've had Mimi's eyes haunting me, I can't get them out of my mind. And I've found that no matter what else I'm running from, I can't hide from those eyes. It really surprised me when I found her there, listening. Why did I leave? Maybe Mark was right and I am running out when I shouldn't.  
  
No! He's wrong! The filmmaker can't see anything, for all he 'observes' everything. He's so fucking wrapped up in his denial that he'll never see. I'm the songwriter, why is it that I see Mimi everywhere I turn?  
  
No matter how much I tell myself that this is for the best, I know that I'm making a mistake. But tighten your shoulders and don't let go, right? I have to go through with it. Who knows? I may find whatever it is I'm looking for in Santa Fe. I'll just sit here and ape content, enjoy myself as much as fucking possible.  
  
The road is just starting to fill with morning traffic now, I'll probably pull off at the next rest stop and relax for a bit. If I can relax. Her eyes are still pleading with me, begging me to take her back. I want to, Baby, but it's too late.  
  
Exit sign, shit I almost missed it. I pull of with a screech of tires protesting the sudden movement and a honking of horns behind me. I pull shakily into a parking space and just lean back, closing my eyes.  
  
Without my guitar for comfort, I try to imagine the chords of Musetta's Waltz. But instead, chords seem to form of their own accord. Shit! I can think of my song, what I've been looking for all along. It's her; it's Mimi! Her eyes...  
  
Maybe this trip was worthwhile after all. Suddenly, I'm not so tired. I pull back onto the highway, the song forming further in my mind as I go. Baby, I know you can't hear me, but this is for you. I've found my song. I'll write it and then it's all yours.  
  
Just wait. We're living in America, but I can affect this millennium. I'm not alone, Baby, 'cuz I know you're there.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
What do you think? I know that I made Roger out to be kind of odd, but I like it! (Another really short one, but I altered lines from both Your Eyes and What You Own in there, didja notice?) 


	8. Mark

Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...  
  
By Kourin Lucrece  
  
Disclaimer: **mumble, mumble**  
  
Author's Note: Wow, I'm on a roll lately, lol. Marky's up again!! (Guess I skipped Benny, tres triste... lol) I hope you like it!  
  
-*~*~Mark~*~*-  
  
I guess it's a good thing that my meeting was postponed until this morning. I spent almost all night looking for Mimi, but I didn't find her. God I hope she's okay. Of course she did just fine on her own before she met us. I just worry.  
  
When I got home, there was no message from Roger, or anyone for that matter, on the machine. 'I'll call.' Yeah, right. He listened, I'll give him that much, but he doesn't really hear. Amusing for a songwriter, huh? It just goes in one ear, out the other and he doesn't get the meaning of anything that's happening.  
  
If Angel were still here, he could sit Roger down and get him to chill. Then Roger would have the patience to understand. But Angel's gone. I miss him so much already. Everywhere I turn, I hear what he would have said about everything. Never missed a beat...  
  
I wonder how Collins is holding up. Poor guy... He seemed really upset yesterday. I hope Benny managed to help somewhat. The subway pulls up to the platform, jarring me rudely from my speculation. I get on and grab onto one of the bars above my head as there are no empty seats.  
  
What the hell is wrong with me? I know I love to film, but is Buzzline really what I want to lower myself to? Do I really want to do something that degrading? It's selling out! I can just picture it! 'Hi, Mark Cohen for Buzzline...Back to you Alexi. Coming up, vampire welfare queens who are compulsive bowlers.' God, what am I doing?!  
  
I can tell myself to just do it. Don't think all day, Cohen. Just go for it. Dive into work and turn away from all those problems. Tighten your shoulders, clench your jaw till you frown. You're drowning like this. This is how life is in America. It's the fucking Twilight Zone.  
  
But I can still think of one night where everything was different. We connected and all of the shadows of my life seemed to just break, letting sunlight in. For once, none of us were really pretending to be happy, we were.  
  
God, even just thinking of all the footage I've gotten this past year brings back so much of that feeling. It's full of life and it shines. For once it actually shows the story. Maybe...  
  
The train halts and even though I don't even know what stop it is, I hop off the train. There's a pay phone over by the stairs and I thread my way through all of the people on the platform. I've never liked the subway, all that heat and noise, but today I barely notice.  
  
I shove two quarters into the slot and dial a number I've used numerous times at this point. C'mon, c'mon... Pick up! "Alexi? It's Mark. Call me a hypocrite, but I need to finish my own film. I quit!"  
  
I know that I need the money, but I don't care. I'm going to show the world what our lives were like, so that everyone can learn from Angel and just all of it... So neither my friends nor the truth are ever forgotten. Sure, I might be cold and hungry, but this is right.  
  
So, I'm dying in America to come into my own. But you know what? I'm not alone. And maybe I can make a difference. April, Angel... I'll find a way to make you live forever. I just hope the others can hold on and fix what needs to be mended. I know you're there, though. I'm not alone.  
  
~*~*~*~  
  
Okay, kind of went overboard with lyrics this time, but do you think it works? They're all so hard to write!!! 


	9. Collins

Perhaps Goodbye is Wrong...  
  
Kourin Lucrece  
  
Disclaimer: I own... um... Aw, shit... I'm sure I own something!!  
  
Author's Note: Hi!!! I missed you all and this story is being dragged from its warm bed for the joy of a new addition! (don't ask...) Anyway, I'm sorry it took so long, but here is Collins' chapter. (Yay!!) Enjoy and tell me what you think.  
  
~~*Collins*~~  
  
I sighed as I walked back into my apartment, seeing morning sun filter into the main room. Benny had actually dropped me off late last night, trying to make sure I was okay before heading home to his wife. But I just hadn't been able to walk inside. It would have been admitting he wasn't there before I was ready. I ended up walking around for a few hours.  
  
As I look around the small place, every little homey touch reminds me of Angel. God, how he loved this apartment. Every time there was a bit of extra money, he bought something else to brighten up our home. I'm really going to miss him...  
  
The flashing light on my answering machine catches my attention, so I go over and press 'PLAY'. Mark's quiet voice fills the room and I smile sadly, able to picture the filmmaker as he tried to figure out what to say.  
  
"Um... Hey Collins... I know that you're probably either still with Benny or sleeping or something but I just wanted to see how you were doing. Um... yeah... If you need anything or, I dunno, just call okay? Um, I won't be in for a while today, but I'll be back later so... Bye!"  
  
The truth of what Mark was trying to say in that painfully awkward message was clear enough: If you need to talk, I'm here. He really is a nice kid. He just needs to loosen up a little. As a mechanical voice calmly tells me that I have no more messages, I drop onto my couch with a sigh.  
  
The day after Halloween, that would make it... All Soul's Day. I can't help but smile as I picture Angel telling a bunch of other souls "Today for you, Tomorrow for me!" If anyone could keep God and the Angels singing, it was my Angel. Leopard-print tights and all. I fell asleep still picturing it.  
  
Poor Collins!! I know that was REALLY short for how long it took me, not to mention sooo out of character, but hey! I have school. ;-P (lol) Review? 


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